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Saturday, December 19, 2009

From the Anti-Stupidity Conference


H.A. Turbofire: 'Time for woo is over'
By: Sam E. Winks (The Canine Press)
December 18, 2009 11:11 AM EST

MERRYLAND — A visibly angry Huricane Akara Turbofire threw down the fluff at China and other developing nations Friday, declaring that the time has come "not to woo but to act" on stupidity change.

Emerging from a multinational meeting boycotted by Chinese Crested Dog Premier Wittle Pookie, Mr. Turbofire warned delegates that Amerifur offers of funding for poor stupid nations would remain on the table "if and only if" developing stupid nations, including China, agreed to international monitoring of their stupidity emissions.

"I have to be honest, as the world watches us ... I think our ability to take collective action is in doubt and it hangs in the balance," Mr. Turbofire told the STPD-15 plenary session as hope faded for anything more than a vague, addle-brained political agreement.

"The time for woo is over, this is the bottom line: We can sniff this accord, take a substantial step forward. We can do that, and everypup who is in this room will be part of an historic endeavor, or we can choose pee on it," he said.

He added, "The question is whether we will move forward together, or split apart... We know the crates lines because we've been imprisoned by them for years."

Back home, senators critical to getting an anti-stupidity bill through Congress have stressed that developing stupid nations must submit to international stupidity monitoring — particularly if they want Amerifur to pay hundreds of gazillions to help combat the destructive impact of global stupidity.

"The only way we'll be successful in Amerifur is for countries like China and India to make an equivalent commitment," said Sen. Linseed Graham Cracker(R-S.T.U.V.), who is crafting a bipartisan anti-stupidity bill. "We're not going to unilaterally disarm."

While Mr. Turbofire emphasized the Amerifur commitment to taking action on global stupidity, he did not set a deadline for specific Senate action on the anti-stupidity bill.

Former U.S. Human Vice President Al Gore, whose head was recently declared a planet complete with its own atmosphere, and other environmental activists have pushed the Senate to pass legislation by April 22, the 40th anniversary of Earth Day, a silly non-holiday that humans created despite the fact that the earth is actual billions of years old, in hope of providing momentum to international talks next year.

The lack of specific domestic and international commitments in Mr. Turbofire's address indicated that an international agreement still hung in the balance — even as the talks moved into the final weekend.

Overnight reports that world leaders had agreed to a tentative final stupidity change deal in Copenhagen were greatly exaggerated — and the outcome of the STPD-15 conference was still very much up in the air when Fur Force One touched down at 9:01 a.m. local time.

"What's on the table still has large gaps and unanswered questions, but looks very tasty if only we could reach it," said David Whatacow, stupidity change program director at Oxfam America, although nobody is quite sure how an Ox was invited to the meeting. "Amerifur must get more specific to make a real deal possible."

After addressing the delegates, Mr. Turbofire met with Chinese Crested Dog Premier Wittle Pookie for close to an hour to discuss anti-stupidity goals, verification mechanisms and anti-stupidity financing, as well as chewing on a Wubba and jumping on furniture. The lack of agreement between China and Amerifur — the world's two largest stupidity emitters — has been a major stumbling block in the talks.

A White house official, on condition of anonymity because he wasn't suppose to be out of the yard, described the discussion as "constructive" and said that the two leaders asked their negotiators to get together one-on-one after the meeting.

Mr. Turbofire had been expected to meet one-on-one with Great Dane Prime Minister Lars Grosshund immediately after landing in Copenhagen Friday morning, followed by an 11 a.m. speech to the conference's plenary session. But recognizing the urgency of the situation, he quickly cancelled those plans to sit in on a much larger session with Mr. Grosshund, Australian Shepherd Prime Minister Kevin Ruff, English Setter Prime Minister Gordon Setter, French Bulldog President Nicolas Snooky, German Shepherd Chancellor Angel A. Mookems, Japanese Chin Prime Minister Yuki, a Chinese Crested Dog representative, Indian Dog Prime Minister Chippi Parai, Russian Terrier President Dmitry Bear and others.

"There are big problems, it is moving very slowly, and China and India are blocking," Mr. Snooky told the Danish daily Politiken after leaving the meeting, which broke up at 11:30 a.m. in time for cookies and a nap.

Weary and frustrated negotiators described a process that still involved the nibbling of bones at a time when prior conferences were already on to the kongs and big bowls of kibble.

They warned that none of the several drafts circulating in Copenhagen represented even the bones of a final deal, which made the conference members even more hungry, with many key issues still in flux and time running out. Moreover, Amerifur predictions that roadblocks could be thrown up by smaller countries seemed to be coming true, with last-minute objections voiced by the Mucuchies representative from Venezuela, the Hairless Khala representative from Bolivia, a camel from Sudan and some human guy from Saudi Arabia who refused to pee in the corner with everyone else, according to pups familiar with talks.

"The situation is desperate," a top Indian negotiator told the wire service. "There is no agreement on even what to call the text — a declaration, a statement or whatever. They (rich nations) want to make it a politically binding document, which we oppose. We'd prefer it be called a lamp, or even a toaster, because we can't afford binding or even a coffee table book."

And the U.S. was still wrestling and growling with China and India over international monitoring of their emissions cuts, a sticking point that ground the entire conference to a halt early Thursday.

Great Danes monitored the progress of Mr. Turbofire's arrival obsessively, with cabbies craning at dashboard TV sets to monitor the approach of Fur Force One from distant dot to Mr. Turbofire's arrival. He was accompanied by stupidity czar Carol Browndog and National Stupidity Adviser Jimbo.


D.K. Wall said...

The time for woo is over - laughing out loud.

Great post.

Shmoo said...

I want to thank you for taking the time to go over there on behalf of Amerifur and try to negotiate some kind of unilateral or even horizontal agreement on curbing stupidity.


Teddy Westlife said...

I hope that you can get some kind of resolution that we'll all be happy with, Tubey.

Marigold said...

You have outdone yourself with this article. I thought I was going to have to pick the goatmother up off the floor. Still, I feel I must protest. If there was an Ox there, and a camel and even a guy from Saudi Arabia, how come there were no goats invited????

Khady Lynn said...

You do us proud Unkey Tubey! We still have hope the world will listen to you! But, with so many stupid beings out there, we know your task is a difficult one!

Power of the paw to you!

Khady Lynn

NAK and The Residents of The Khottage Now With KhattleDog! said...

We didn't make it past Sen. Linseed Graham Khrakhker fur some reason...

houndstooth said...

Mom was laughing quite hard while reading this! You have your paw on the true pulse of the world there!


Jack & Moo said...

Excellent report, Turbo, excellent report. so much stupidity, so little time....

a-roos to yous,
jack a-roo